4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
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*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
what are they serving at kfc then???
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
“just sayin” who asked you though?