If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
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[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Yes, but it was never about money
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.