To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
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If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
He wanted to make sure😂
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.