She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
You Might Also Like
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
the council will decide your fate
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.