If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
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Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!