A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
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No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Me too 😆
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
do horses think humans are hats
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.