Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
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INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
The cake is mightier than the sword.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I laughed at this way too hard.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.