told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
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[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore