Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
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We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.