Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
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Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
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