Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
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Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Yes, but it was never about money
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her