Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
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Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
some cats are just doing for fun!
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection