I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
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Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Seems kinda suspicious
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. Youβll be fine.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know theyβre losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him βcan I ask you somethingβ and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack π
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying βa lessonβ
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I’m choking laughing omfg ππππππππππ
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*