oh sorry i cant im busy that day
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It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house