There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
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A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Nice try, poison.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.