Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
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[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.