Just me and my debit card against the world
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Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Succinctly put.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.