if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
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airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.