I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
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The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late