What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
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Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
an airline just for babies.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
another case of gang violins
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible