Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
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My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
accurate
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
pizza
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.