if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
You Might Also Like
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
These 3D printers are insane!
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems