My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
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He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
He took my last fry, your honor
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.