Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
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Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Truth
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time