Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.