When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
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I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
WHY would you be happy about this?
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.