My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
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Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Anyone really
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!