When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
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*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.