a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
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When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.