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-Octopus preparing for a fight
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It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Saturday
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
live, laugh, laundry.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
So sick of all these stupid rules
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃