These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
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Oh. My. God.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
his wife is probably gonna see that
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded