My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
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The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
If snakes were wide
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!