The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
You Might Also Like
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.