[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
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I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Guy who likes music
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop