Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
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* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Twitter is an abusement park.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.