everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
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You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery