I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
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Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]