Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
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me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.