grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.