[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
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*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.