Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
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My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
mechanics be like
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.