love pickles so much i put myself in one
You Might Also Like
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.