After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
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*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
🤔😂😂
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank