Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
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me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
#DesignFail
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat