Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
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being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Worst bar ever.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.