People who are bad at hiding, I see you
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This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
bro what is going on at twitter
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?