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At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
me doing my best
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas