Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
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WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.