5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
You Might Also Like
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
? 💀