You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
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My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Pretty much! 😂👀
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.